hooray for me....

I hate it when people can't leave high school.

2009-10-07T02:11:11Z

My roommate is the most gossipy person I know. I literally heard him say how he thinks he can date this guy again because he unblocked him on facebook. Really, kid? You are not a freshman. Get out of high school.

Sorry if that seemed like a random spurt of venting. But he just gave me a cookie, so it's a little better lol.

A question.

2009-09-18T13:43:22Z

To the one or maybe two females who read this from time to time, I have a question:

1) Have you ever made this sort of pitch to a guy:
"I'd be such a horrible gf to u, I've never been faithful, I get hot and cold really easily, and I'd expect way more of u than u could possibly give me. Go find a nice choir girl, u should have better."

2) What the hell is the point of this pitch? If I've brought up the topic, that means I want to be with YOU. Why would u waste ur breath on trying to persuade me otherwise?

3) Say, if I may, that u were kind of half-dating a guy, but not in a real relationship. And another guy comes along, tells u how he feels, and u make this pitch to him. Probably didn't want to deal with dating 2 guys. He understands that, and doesn't want to push anything.

4) Say again, that after (3), u start dating another guy.

Guy #2 really wonders if u made the effort to make that pitch to the other 2 guys, and guy #2 really wonders why u made that pitch to him in the first place. Girl wins, guy #1 wins, guy #3 wins, guy #2 loses.

So if you haven't figured this out yet, I'm Guy #2. And I can't tell u how infuriating it is to hear the words "who's corey? oh, the OTHER guy im dating". I'm just at a loss for words.

But.

Because it's just who I am, I will wait patiently on the sideline until shes done with this whole mess, and when she comes back and rejects me again, it'll be just as bad, and then I'll write another post about how I wasted the last however long it takes on her, and that I'll never do it again. Then, some time later, I'll write another post about how I met this girl who is totally awesome. Then I'll write yet another post about how I've somehow managed to fall yet again for another girl who wants nothing to do with me.

I've gotten pretty good at it.

bbshop_freak02 @ 2009-09-17T00:19:00

2009-09-17T05:21:16Z

2? ur dating 2 guys now? and wait, what's that? they're both jackasses?

just look in front of u. nuf said. im goin to bed.

Bryan, Bryan, Bryan....

2009-08-25T12:09:57Z

Oh Bryan, Bryan, Bryan....

Don't let yourself get bitten in the ass again.

But

so far

she's perfect.

Last night at 115

2009-07-30T03:20:29Z

Tonight is my last night at my apartment in Madison. Normally, I would reminisce about my time here and how I've changed and further come to know myself, but in all honesty, this year at Madison was an absolute train wreck. Academically, we all know about the 1.0 from the fall semester, and I struggled to get a 2.71 in the spring. 1.7 overall. Unacceptable. Personally, my only girlfriend of the year dumped me for another guy she didn't even want to go out with (long story) in the room I'm sitting in now. I had the only nervous breakdown of my life in this apartment. I gained 20 pounds from the stress alone. Economically, I overdrew once and was hit with a chain reaction of over $400 in fees, and was forced to change banks. I was kicked out of Lucky Day, sitting in this apartment. Oh, and one more thing: the girlfriend dumping me, the nervous breakdown, and the bank fiasco all happened within a week of my birthday.

There's a lot of emotion in this place. I'll be glad to leave it all behind.

Story of the week.

2009-07-22T03:50:13Z

I can't vent on Facebook. Too many barbershoppers there.

So here's the story of the week:
Last Wednesday, I get on a conference call with my quartet, Lucky Day. We had just finished 21st in the world at contest with a score that would have put us in the top 20 pretty much any other year. I was pretty happy with the way things turned out. So the call comes and I get the run-around that "with [my] new commitments with a new school and soon to be with AOH (Ambassadors of Harmony) and with [my] finances, we feel that it would be in the best interest of the quartet and [me] that the three of us move on with another bass singer." My tenor had been paying for my flights to rehearsal. In April, he said he would no longer be able to afford it after contest. The man brings in a substantial six figure income, and just built a half million dollar house in a brand new subdivision in the suburbs of Orlando. He gave himself an oddly convenient reason to kick me out. This whole thing was planned. What did I do, you may ask? (and Katelyn, you really did ask lol) First, let me explain the makeup of the quartet:
Roger (tenor): International Champion, former Presentation Judge
Eric (lead): Competed at International 6 or 7 times over the last 10 years
Paul (baritone): 2-time International Champion
Me (bass): Music Judge Candidate, never been to International, never finished higher than 8th at a District contest
To say the least, I was the least experienced of the foursome (bow chicka wow wow, jk). But that doesn't mean I don't have musical ideas, not at all. I felt like nearly all of my ideas were being brushed off because I wasn't experienced. Probably 90% of what I said, I would suggest it, Eric would think about it for a minute, and say "nope, I don't feel it that way". He wouldn't even try it in context. But the first thing Roger says, we adopt without question. It's enough to piss off the pope several times over. The fact that I dared to express a musical opinion without being the lead or a gold medalist drove them insane. When I tried to get Eric to sing with more space, he got snappy, angry and incredibly defensive, and said I was "claiming to know what [his] voice felt like on the inside."
They found my replacement before contest. They planned the whole thing. That's what pisses me off. But I find some solace in the fact that the bass they chose to replace me is burned out. He has 2 gold medals, but he's old. The last quartet he sang in, Four Aces, tanked when they picked him up. Four Aces debuted in 2007, placing 11th, which is an incredible feat for a quartet with a new-to-barbershop lead. They were pegged to place well inside the top 10 in 2008, when they announced this particular bass as their new bass. Talks of a medal (top 5) circulated among the masses. They qualified in 2008 in 23rd, a full 3 points per judge per song lower than what they had sung the year before, and did not improve at all at International that year, with the same score and placement. Three points per judge per song for Lucky Day's score at International moves them from 21st to 33rd. I look forward to watching them crumble, and forming a quartet of my own in St. Louis.

On the lighter side of the news, I met 2 of my 3 roommates for next fall. One is a vocal performance major, like myself, but he's a countertenor, and he's really cool. The other is in graphic design, and he's pretty cool too. Quite the departure from my wing full of hockey players at Eau Claire, haha.

Enough of this ranting. I'm going to bed. Go fu--I mean, stay classy, San Diego.

PS. I need to get out of Madison. NOW.

3 years, 3 schools.

2009-07-13T03:07:38Z

One would think that after entering 2 schools and going through the first-year jitters twice, it would go away should there be a third instance of the occasion. So not true.

I would really like to feel better about myself right now. There's no real reason for me to feel this way, maybe it's just the nerves of throwing myself into a school that I don't know anyone at. Though the last time that happened, it turned out great, I made a lot of friends. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Here's to hoping things turn out.

wow.

2009-05-20T13:18:15Z

my back decompressed last nite. for the first time since september.

i feel like a new man. :)

It's almost over.

2009-04-29T13:57:27Z

One weekend left. For those who aren't aware, the past 8 weeks for me have consisted of traveling for whatever reason every weekend (usually leaving Thursday night and arriving back early Monday morning), leaving me 4 days of the week to work on my homework, and working about 22 hours per week. And this weekend is the last weekend before I can relax for finals. Weird, eh?

bbshop_freak02 @ 2009-03-28T22:03:00

2009-03-29T03:04:42Z

this one hurts. a lot.

happy fuckin birthday.

again.

cookie racism aside...

2008-12-30T04:27:11Z

This break has been a giant ball of nothing. I've done nothing but sit around all day, every day. Some may say that's the purpose of having a break. It's weird to think there's still three weeks left in the break, and yet I feel like it's coming to a fast close. Insert your own metaphor on life. There's an interesting thought that comes to mind. I always felt like I could hide behind my intellect and grades to make up for my personal misfortunes or shortcomings. Now there's no discernible measure of intellect, and my last post ranted enough on grades. Anyone I've been able to see myself with for more than 6 months I'm either sick of dealing with or sees me as a brotherly figure.

I feel like life has stagnated. Nothing is getting done, and not much is being done to make things get done. It's a slow process.

Sorry for the incoherence of this rant.

School districts here have no balls.

2008-12-19T04:11:21Z

I'm disgusted at the fact that there are several school districts here that are closed preemptively in anticipation of tonight's snowstorm.

What happened to the days when you went to bed excited to get up and see how much snow you got?

What happened to the days when you would be completely ready for school obnoxiously early in the morning for the sole purpose of keeping your eyes glued to the bottom line of the morning news, watching every other school in the county close EXCEPT YOURS?

What happened to the feeling of seeing your school closed, and happily donning your pajamas once more?

What happened to memorizing the alphabetical order of every county in your viewing area? (Which, by the way, goes Jefferson-Kenosha-Milwaukee-Ozaukee-Racine-Walworth-Washington-Waukesha)

Whatever.

On a less happy note, I failed 10 of my 14 credits this semester. Physics 208 and Calc 221 have bested me for good. My GPA now stands at a less-than-respectable 1.0. Hello academic probation.

It's been a while since I've written here. I have a very mixed outlook on life right now. Some things are fantastic, others are dismal. And it always seems as if the dismal ones are the only ones that are going to matter in life. We'll start on the one I've already mentioned: academics.

For the first time in my life, I feel incompetent. I feel dumb. Yes, I can blame my stellar GPA on a lack of knowledge of the system, and a mistake in choosing classes that were perhaps beyond my capabilities, but in all seriousness, I am absolutely baffled. Case in point: Physics exams. We were allowed one sheet of paper (2-sided) to write notes, equations, and what have you as a tool for the exams. The first exam I didn't study, brought no notes, and got a 70. Decent, a C with the curve, but could be improved upon. So I studied for the second exam, and brought notes, about one side of the paper filled. Scored a 29 on that one. Third exam, I studied my ass off (which, for those that know me, is an astonishing feat in itself), ran out of paper to put my notes on, and improved all the way to a 32. I'm stumped. And now I'll be on academic probation, and who knows how next semester will go.

Musically, I couldn't ask for more. I'm a candidate Music Judge, I'm in a top level quartet, my collegiate quartet will likely bring home a medal, and I'm in an a cappella group that values my input as a musician and as a person. Too bad I'm not a music major anymore.

But the thing that pervades it all is that I feel very alone, and my current lack of a roommate doesn't help the situation (sorry if you read this, Beth). It was always my fear that I would come to this city and have no friends, to just be a blank face in the crowd. Funny that I would fear that when I can remember a time not too long ago when that's all I wanted to do.

Interesting thought.

wow.

2008-10-27T13:32:43Z

i never thought i could walk out of an LOL district contest 2 feet off the ground.

the drive home from work...

2008-08-23T07:24:29Z

as i drove home from my last day at wal-mart 1635 tonight, i was reminded of a post i made in february 2005, corresponding with my last night with the "cigar smoking, drunken assholes at piano blu". strange how a proper introduciton to cigars and alcohol changes us.

there was more talk in the post about reminiscence than anything. talk about the range of emotions felt and the ways in which they were dealt with.

on the walk home from work at piano blu, i looked back on the months of my sophomore year from november to february, and thought about how i had changed gradually over that period of time. the drive home from 1635 presented a somewhat different point of view. it was rather a look back at what changes have taken place between my two summers at 1635. it went from the summer that i tried to forget maria but couldnt, to the summer that she finally realized i tried to forget. from the summer that viewed the future as hopeful to the summer that views the past as a waste of time (in her words).

a waste of time. let's reflect on that a little bit. was it a waste of my time to pursue a relationship with someone that wasnt very likely to want it? or does it simply aggregate to form the person i am now? the complacent, unfeeling person i am now? but there is one question that permeates this entire topic. is anything i feel actually worth anything? ive hardly had any reciprocity with anyone ive attempted to approach over the last 2-3 years. is it all just a figment of my imagination?

a note: that last paragraph may have sounded like something i would have written in a depressed stupor 3 years ago. i am not depressed at this point, simply articulating my thoughts in a way that seems logical to me. bottom line: not depressed right now.

but it would be a shame to find that it's all been nothing, that i havent really felt any of it. ive felt elation to the 9th degree, and depression to the ultimate low while still remaining alive. and i am anxiously awaiting the day when i can actually feel, and can be fueled by another.

but until then, i guess complacency is acceptable.

bbshop_freak02 @ 2008-07-16T22:28:00

2008-07-17T03:29:41Z

so it was all a waste of time.
the last 18 months have been a waste of time.

im just glad its over.
just glad to be done.

this is how i feel.

2008-06-19T04:44:57Z

i am a bad actor.
i caused the greatest show of my life to flop horribly.
the show is over.
the set is gone.
but the actor waits in the wings.
waiting for those lights to shine.
waiting for that electric feeling.
waiting to get out on that stage one more time.
he sits.
reads the script over and over.
and waits for some miracle.
a heaven sent producer.
that will give him the chance to perform the show he loves.
the show he loves with everything he has.

there is nothing in the world that i would like more.
than to go through a day.
an entire day.
and not think about you.
but i couldnt possibly imagine a day so sad.

europe: a recollection and beyond

2008-06-09T22:53:15Z

a short recounting of concert choir tour.

berlin: 3 words. beer and fanta.

wroclaw: "ooo, this is so swanky"

krakow: mostly a drunken blur :-D

prague: a date with the green fairy

dresden: we were in dresden?

leipzig: stood and sang 10 ft away from js bachs grave. nuff said.

berlin(again): 4am wake up call, bye bye pascal, not really much else haha

and there are other things. not really ready to say them though.

bbshop_freak02 @ 2008-04-06T21:31:00

2008-04-07T02:37:54Z

if its possible, i would like to be out of here as soon as possible. thanks. 5 more weeks of hell. i just want to quit right now, and wait until fall to get back into school. i guess my biggest concern is piano. piano has never come easy to me, and it scares the hell out of me for it. when my hands do something completely different than what my brain thinks, thats when i freak out. i cant stand it anymore. i took all the practice advice they gave me. shit, im even practicing. at least thats a step up from before.

i just need something to come along and whisk me away from here.

this citys made us crazy and we must get out.

how disapponting this experience has been.
un. fucking. believable.

i hate decisions

2008-03-13T03:24:32Z

the new interest, or the burned-out flame whose match is inching ever so close to the can of gasoline?

not cool.
most definitely.
not cool.

bbshop_freak02 @ 2008-03-10T15:46:00

2008-03-10T20:46:40Z

well friends, it was going to happen anyway.

back to madtown.

bbshop_freak02 @ 2008-02-26T17:19:00

2008-02-26T23:20:40Z

i dont feel like im in control of my life anymore.
i want it back.
:-(

heartbreak, part # ive lost track

2008-01-12T04:11:16Z

i think this is the first time ive really felt stress beyond my capabilities.
parte num. uno
eau claire is being one giant douchefag.
they already know im leaving in a semester, and now that ive dropped voice, they may be taking away my scholarship.
without that scholarship, i dont make tuition.
and now i have to go back and rehearse 9 hours a day for a performance i may not even be in while i wait until i can talk to them.
its likely that ill have to stay home and work for the semester.
lets just hope i can get into waukesha in time for the new semester.
parte num. dos
over the past months ive been posting largely incoherent rants about things.
and now i dont care about the secrecy, fuck the secrecy.
its all comin out. right now.
during senior year, i had started seeing maria again.
i thought that for her to come back after all the despicable things i had done to her was an absolute godsend.
i knew it was going to last for a long time.
we agreed to carry on in secrecy, as her friends would have no approval whatsoever.
since i was already accepted at eau claire, and she was looking strongly at eau claire, we would largely hold off until we were both there.
so we planned out how we could see each other in the short term without looking overly conspicuous.
we made as many music theory study sessions as we could within reason.
we decided to do a duet for solo/ensemble.
i even convinced her to join drama club, because everyone knows how close-knit that bunch is, we could get close and noone would think twice.
she then proceeded to tell me that she had no feelings for me, and broke my heart like none before.
3-29-05 was a jolly walk in the park in comparison.
i tried to separate myself from her, perhaps out of sight really would mean out of mind.
it was all in vain, and throughout the summer i still found her at the front of my thoughts.
maybe a trip to eau claire would clear my head, 225 miles is a pretty long way.
then she came back again, told me how she missed me.
so much for out of mind, right?
we both expressed feelings on how we would have to see each other over the winter break.
winter break came, and mostly went. we had never met, and it seemed like the enthusiasm just wasnt there.
BUT
plans were made.
for tonight.
the fact that im writing on here now is a testament to the result of those plans.
she feels sick.
she knows i dont care if she feels sick.
she knows this was our last opportunity to see each other.
maybe im being harsh, but this meeting has been months in the making.
and now i sit, more than a year after she first came back, feeling just as helpless, just as downtrodden, as just completely out of options as i had before.
ive been waiting.
ill likely continue to wait.

it feels good to finally get that out.

maybe my drop from eau claire will turn out for the greater good.
all we can do is
hope,
pray,
and wait.

i had a placard hanging in my room throughout my early childhood that said my name means
"one of virtue".
they always said patience is a virtue.
hopefully its right..

bbshop_freak02 @ 2007-11-29T23:24:00

2007-11-30T05:25:03Z

its amazing how moods and fortunes can change so quickly..

lets try not to fuck this one up.
might not be a gd thing to do.

bbshop_freak02 @ 2007-11-20T19:53:00

2007-11-21T02:01:37Z

why is it that i miss you so much?
youre not here now;
you may not even be here in the future.

i may not even be here in the future.

bbshop_freak02 @ 2007-08-09T21:57:00

2007-08-10T03:04:22Z

u know, sometimes it just feels like no one cares.
everyone is up on a ledge, just looking down.
and when i go away, this trend will continue.
and when i go away again, no one will notice im gone.
just assume all is well.
ill simply vanish.
and they wont know where i am.
and i dont intend on telling them.
maybe this is just a phase.
maybe this is just a passing feeling.
but i miss you so much.
its been 9 months, and i still cant get u off my mind.
i wish i could take it all back.
then u might know how i feel.

out of sight is not out of mind.